Emily, Erica and I sat in the car. We had missed the movie. An age before cell phones has he’s not only each other company. The days before we traded actually knowing another to creating an image that doesn’t hood true of a person. I turned on the radio. No one said much. Emily began to snicker. She was usually the first. Empty parking lot. I turned up the volume changed the dial to a station , a symphony we would have never heard alone. We began to laugh at the absurdity, I turned it up further and like a contagion we began to laugh even harder. The more we tried to stop the more we were unable. The more we begged the other to stop so the other could, the less capable we were of just being without awareness of the hilarity. The gap of silence filled in by what we would never have otherwise heard or wanted to hear . Let alone the people who drove by slowly peering in at the mysterious play that would outwit any movie that could have played that day. Or at least that is what one feels when they are in college. The lack of awareness of the end, the true finality, enabling them and those younger to engage in acts out of harmony with what they considered their true checker. Were they so daring to realize they had plenty of time prove it. Or better yet, That they did they have to.
Please read my latest post. A FIRST FIRST DRAFT
as oppse to jump to conclusions about who I AM, how about Learn about who that IS. OR you can assume, project your Own disowned bullshit, be that coward and blame my character or hear the truth; of HOW AND WHY it all came Out to be; the opposite of who Was Me; I have seemed to become; the epitome of SHADEFREUDE
My being a most perfect source of the idealized crashed and enviable shat on. I’m certain there’s a more eloquent way to say that. But I have more urgent matters to attend to. So do you. Reading this. Take away the ideal and you’ll just get shit on. I’ve learned that. In America, it’s image. And I’ve lived both spectrums. The ideal and the devalued, the second I was so luckily opportuned in effect of a complex series of events. Those which led to conditions misconstrued as psychological by those whose didn’t know me; desired to gaslight me and knew it was the perfect cover for their gains. To ensure I was not credible. Unheard: and for years I was to the loss of my entire health. Until medical scans finally done produced results I had already assumed. Severe damage in EFFECT OF THE NEGLIGENCE OF THOSE SEVEN YEARS. Now? Inoperable. Irreparable. And given my family has denied it’s existence I’ve been demanded to be a person I literally am NO LONGER ABLE TO BE
a narcissist borderline mother who lies to a judge in collaboration with an investigation as opposed to calling me? Saying I was as I was not because she was angry at something I had written? she, was subsequently Sentenced at MY COMMITMENT HEARING To THERAPY, told by the judge she was lucky she wasn’t whacked with a felony. But they didn’t tell anyone those truths. Instead it was lies. In American the image is more important than the truth and it is to my parents. Even to my death I sometimes suspect.!:9!/
they even began to believe them.
As Americans these days seem to do in absence of any BLACK AND WHITE explanation, they stop thinking at all for alternatives. It’s too easy to assume, judge; take what you want. That’s what you’ve done. F94 for me to tell people , to tell You; beyond those who were there, had been solicited, my attorney or those working with the state whom are familiar with such white washing what happened, meant risking my reputation but today it means telling the TRUTH AS I AM MEANT TOS MY PURPOSE IS CLEAR.
I know what it means to automatically be stigmatized. To be treated the opposite of what I was. To experience a slow crucifixion. To be labeled all I’m bots a fraud. As a liar. All while UNABLE to get the much needed medical help which she was told seven years by multiple specialists, had she would have left her WITHOUT severe permanent Life altering Injuries, chronic pain, epilepsy and severe brain damage the tip fo the iceberg. So in America, one will assume, especially if their envy or aggression has been activated towards this person. Especially is they would like to find REASON To justify their OWN projections and anger; Which would mean a bout 90% of people. So much shame that us displaced onto others.
Given Americans are only comfortable with the expression of designated which fit neatly into a square box, they will devalue or feel shame should one admit to or should they feel anything else. At best they will perhaps be mystified as to the emotion they are feeling, and at worst, if it surrounds an area of importance, shame. But few are able to tolerate or deal with their own shame and so displace it onto others, namely those brave enough to admit to the very emotions the finger pointers themselves are feeling... they shame anyone who experiences anything outside of them, despite the fact that no ones emotions or values fit neatly into any box, Why? Because we are human not god damn auto mans. The auto mans have had their personality replaced by the conditions of society completely, and these are the most dangerous among us, having literally traded their soul in order to join a rat race, no one will ever win, because their is no prize, and this game, is made up, by the mind of men.
So we do not acknowledge any emotions that are between those designated as appropriate yet in every other country there is a word for certain emotions that Americans w2ould never admit to today but given these words are as common in all the rest of the world but ours, IT seems Americans are the Least comfortable with their own humanity, given the fact they’ve been essentially conditioned to feel shame for any emotion, impulse, desire or need OUTSIDE of what Americans have designated as ‘successful’ or ‘appropriate’. Have we not forgotten that we are the land of the free, home of the brave? Perhaps these days more so cowardly, beyond those who actually live their lives for a purpose greater than their own selves and fulfillment of ego, There is nothing in that life, not for me, at least, but emtptiness. All peace one has within comes From their sense of connection to other Loved ones,. Beyond this it matters not how far along one is in this race, there are so many of, but he will be plagued by bafflement and disillusionment, as he can not male out why he is not happy or satisfied, given what he has ‘achieved’., perhaps BECAUSE in the process of doing so he sacrificed that which truly mattered, Others.
But shadefreide will make us do, think and feel things we never imagined. And would never tell anyone. At least not in America where we do not acknowledge the shades of grey. Where we would instead deny anything other than compassion in the face of another’s suffering. Yet here is a word in every other country for the exact opposite. No wonder the shame in this country, merely for being human. I don’t canary that, I carry shame for things I’ve said i wish i had not. Even when it isn’t my fault but the result of combined severe trauma and two major head injuries. Even when the words and behavior never happened prior and isn’t apart of mg character. The shame however comers from knowing what others make of it. And that I can not help or stop because there is no way to explain the long term pain and desperation without belief or help until it was too late.
But my point here is not political. IT is about searching me based on falsified records made so in order for subsequent and severe human rights violations to not have to face the light of day, let alone those accountable for them. No, Instead they will defame, incriminate and if these measures fail to shut that person up and or down? Extermination. All three? Were tried on me/ AS fact. Not story. And certainly not one i chose to have. It didn’t leave me stronger. IT has left me broken, albeit my humility and faith have grown in the process of this slow crucifixion exponentially.
Envy is a bitch and that bitch ain’t me? In every country BUT the US there is a word which acknowledges what it means to be happy at another’s misery. Because there are many shades of grey. Like shadefreude. The delight at an envied demise. No? Why no belief? Empathy? Easier to see it the fun way? Your way?
Nice. That ain’t on me. I have my support in the form of those who have enough se,f respect and confidence to know the result of my trauma and injuries isn’t me nor an excuse to talk about me. I never have about you. Never would. That’s isn’t like me. So I don’t put up with it. WHen I find out about it. You’ll know.
My point? Please do not allow your judgement and projections to overcome the desire to know the truth beyond the false charges: not convictions. Charges unable to be annulled for a decade now. Charges I can not explain because I have no association with even the behavior OF THE OFFNSE, .UNLESS YOU CAN explain why you committed murder, i can no better explain my own false charges. Not annulled. Because every prosecutor has heej threatened by the state. Because you see, if I am credible? Any case I present against an employee of thrm? Would be LOOKED INTO AND THE WHOLE OF WHAT HAPPENED? blown wide open
They, those who were responsible for the unwarranted federal investigation, carried out without warrant, judges signature or any evidence, like with any secret; will go to great lengths to cover it, whether it a fact or the misconduct. It will be the subject of their investigation, guilty or innocent as I was in my case, will pay.
So I ask? That you ask me or get to know who I am Past the shot and the story. The fact prior to 2011 all o did was work in schools with children and adults with disabilities before attending graduate school at KSU for a Masters in counseling. I moved here to start an internship with Deb Braun Mills. Every fact I state checks out.
None they have, does: that is what they are so concerned about. Perhaps. Most especially the solicited 2015 attempted murder. It happened and caused me to have to go from dealing with an UNTREATED +HEAD INJURY from 2011 to a SEVERE successive CONCUSSION WHICH BROGHT ME TO MY KNEES and which was not as well properly treated. The officers there had to get me out before their superiors arrived to ask me questions. And they did. And i again paid the price after years of seizures and vomiting every morning and being treated like an addict in the ER. And when they asked why there were no scans from 2011 (the ones the officers denied i be treated for) i would attempt to explain. And be labeled an addict and crazy as well. When the truth was I was SEVERELY handicapped and gone without help that i desperately needed and had only told THE TRUTH. THATS ALL IVE DONE AND COMMITTED NONE OF THE CRIMES I HAVE ATTEMPTED TO GET ANNULEED FOR the past five years that every prosecutor has denied as a result of their being threatened by the state for doing otherwise.
Knowing how easily I can bring it back to what happened. I don’t plan to unless i am forced to. Unless i am threatened and I will not live my life that way. So if i am left alone, i can safely move forward.
I want to MOVE FORWARD NOT BACK but giving me no option to Move forward propels me towards the exacts thoughts and actions of the past that will come to sabotagE
them as allowing me to be free from false charges would be. I am not Lomé you people . I have not and will not pursue charges. But I will if th is continues. And credible or not? I have someone who very much is who will fight for me hard. So if you want to take that chance? Take the rest of Mine. OTHERWISE, please annul my record of false charges which have ruined my life and the former misconduct which destroyed my brain and health.